My 6 not very serious Tips for Disguising a Muffin Top

My 6 not very serious Tips for Disguising a Muffin Top

It all started about 4 or 5 years ago, shortly after I hit my forties, when after three weeks of holidays I couldn’t fit into my shorts anymore and so naturally, I assumed that I was pregnant. You would excuse me for assuming that, knowing that I had, up until that moment, a history of being skinny despite also having a history of loving chocolate, as well as a history of being pregnant.

To be accurate, I have had four pregnancies and after each of them I miraculously reclaimed my pre-baby weight despite my best efforts to the contrary. I would smugly scoff chocolate biscuit cake all the while wondering what my friends were talking about when they compared post baby weight gain.

Little did I realise my muffin top was just biding its time. I was simply blessed with skinny genes, long before they came into fashion.

So, back to my holidays above, I went next-size-up shorts shopping and pregnancy test shopping on the same day. Later when in the bathroom and looking at the single stripe on the test, in my new shorts, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

I wasn’t pregnant and so I had no excuse. I was simply developing a middle-aged spread due to lack of exercise, holiday wine consumption (there I admit it), stomach muscles that have been stretched into an enormous beach ball shape four times by 10lb babies and hormonal changes to my approaching-midlife body.

Forth pregnancy
Just a few days before Fia (number four) was born.

Now I have something to show you, this fills me with fear and dread as I have never shown this to anyone before (apart from Athol, my husband) but here you go, the WORST selfie (so far) that I have. Please look very fast, no lingering over this image, move along now nothing to see here folks:

not even a dusty mirror hides my shame

Ok ok, I know it’s not all that bad, some of you may be sniggering and others rolling their eyes. It’s only bad for me because I used to have it easy and I never had to give my shape a second thought. Some of you may even be saying, “Well let’s just leave it there shall we, why bother giving your shape a second thought in the first place?”

Perhaps this is simply for my own benefit, however, there may be one or two of you who may find this helpful too.

Now that my belly’s out in the open, so to speak, I’d like to share with the rest of you who are still reading my top 6 tips for disguising a muffin top in order of difficulty, the most difficult being at the top of the list:

  1. Have fewer pregnancies next time. As you can see this is the hardest action to reverse, I know it is possible to obtain babies without being pregnant but this can be a complicated process in and of itself. Also I love all of my children, I can’t decide whether there’s one I’d rather not have had. There are certainly moments in the day when I might question my sanity over having had one or the other of them but those moments are brief and fleeting.
  2. Enlarge your breasts so that they a) either extend out further than the curve of your stomach and distract the eyes from what lies beneath or b) allow them to droop low enough to conceal your stomach altogether. This can be a costly procedure, I think. I have always suffered from lack-of-breast but I have to admit they did their job very well when it came to feeding my babies (see point one above). As a result, although I’m not overly proud of their size, I am proud of what they achieved and therefore am loathe to surgically alter them in anyway.
  3. Do 50 sit-ups every day. I debated whether this should in fact be at point number one in terms of difficulty. You see I am ill disciplined when it comes to exercise and if it weren’t for my weekly gentle adult ballet classes or the summer rowing club, I would be a whole lot worse off. I have tried exercise programmes from home in the past but I need the encouragement of a group to keep going. Oh yes, I did three days of sit-ups but forgot all about that.
  4. Diet. I have to say this is one area I can be disciplined in, we did attempt the Whole30 diet for a month and I was able to adhere to this and lost 5kgs as well as my spare tyre. The problem was that the tyre didn’t stay lost, it rolled right back on as soon as I started eating cake and drinking wine again when the month was over.
  5. Dress appropriately to hide your muffin top! So this is where it’s at ladies, this is GENIUS!! I had no idea I was getting it all wrong by wearing low waisted pants! A. Wear high waisted trousers so that your muffin top is cleverly held in place. Obviously, if you pull a belt beneath your tummy, it has the same effect of putting an elastic around a balloon – the shape has to spread somewhere else. B. Wearing skin tight tops tucked into your trousers is a big no-no! An A-line shaped or loose flowing top will do the trick of covering over a multitude of sins.
  6. Wear a brightly coloured SCARF! This is my TOP EASY TIP. If you wear something bright and pretty, it will not only naturally draw the eye away from your less desirable sticky-out bits but if it’s long enough, it will also hang down to cover them so it has a powerful double effect.
hiding a muffin top
Notice how my bulge has instantly disappeared?

I have to admit I love scarves, so was absolutely thrilled when Oxfam recently had a buy-one-get-one-free sale! You certainly can’t beat a good Oxfam sale now can you.

And there you have it ladies, some more fashion tips from Liberty on the Lighter Side. #fashiontipsfromanothamutha

How do you cleverly disguise those features you don’t especially love or are you less vain than me and are not particularly bothered?

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23 thoughts on “My 6 not very serious Tips for Disguising a Muffin Top”

  1. I love this! I was like you, could eat what I wanted and stayed skinny. Then 4 years ago the weight slowly crept on. Then my dad died and I comfort ate making it worse. I am getting healthy and going to the gym, but there are still lots of bits I don’t like. May have to think about a breast enlargment to keep eyes away from the wobbly bits lol.

  2. Fantastic post!!! As a fellow mum of 4 I have gotten quite skilled at hiding the more battle scarred by pregnancy bits of my body too!!! Disguise is our finest weapon!!! ….well and scarves..obviously #blogcrush

  3. Oh the muffin top. I know it well. Me and my muffin top are not friends, but she continues to linger. Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next time.

  4. Oh, these are the kind of tips I need. My next jeans purchase will be of the high waisted variety and all my old low cut ones are going to charity shops. There’s just no point anymore…..! Scarves are brilliant though, aren’t they? #kcacols

  5. Fab post addressing this very serious problem!
    5 babies and three in my 40s, my naturally skinny figure has long gone. Now wheelchair bound and having had huge amounts of steroids pumped into my body (yes, the dr told me they weren’t the body building type steroids, but hell they do make you put on weight, like lots of it.) My muffin top is something I’m not proud of and cardi’s and scarfs are a great idea, so are baggy tops and loose fitting trousers. But, I don’t know why I bother, it’s only me that notices, my wheelchair is a great cover and with a handbag on my lap, who’s too know how big my belly wobble is! I wouldn’t suggest putting yourself in a wheelchair though, it’s not as much fun as it sounds and would probably rate as number two on your list of most difficult. (It would be number one but as you say, you can’t give your kids back.)

    1. Oh gosh yes, a wheelchair definitely deserves its spot way up there on the list and steroids are another kettle of fish altogether! You are right that nobody else really cares about the way our bellies wobble, they are a testimony to the fact we had those babies in the first place and so we should be proud – impressive that you had five. 🙂

  6. Love your post. Going through some very similar thoughts since a while now 🙂

    I love scarves, too, and cardigans — got them in all kinds of length and colours. 😉

  7. This was fun to read, even if I was (I admit) one of those who took another look at the “just move along here folks” photo and thought to myself “what exactly is the issue here? It all looks absolutely normally fine to me…”
    So … I just wanted to say that:
    a. I’m very glad you don’t think the solution hindsight fewer babies or after-the-fact longer/bigger boobs is the way to go. …
    b. I think scarves are fantastic. I’ve had kids use them as impromptu tissues, napkins, hide-behinds, and transient doll blanket. I’ve used them as ‘hold my seat for me’ marker, as well as to cover my own eyes during a long flight when the next-seat-neighbor suffered from angle-the-light-wrong syndrome. Oh, and I also like them just because. So much fun, them be. And if they also hide a muffin top, well, why not. 🙂
    Whatever makes you happy, me say.
    Stay healthy, happy, and as topped or covered as you find best for your delightful self. For the record, nothing to be ashamed of in a tummy that carried four humans through gestation and into life. It’s a sign of accomplishment. A medal of sorts, IMO. Even more meritorious than wrinkles.

    1. Ah, what a fabulous letter Na’ama! And yes, I agree, it’s a marvel that this body has produced 4 fabulous humans. As for the wrinkles, I have developed a few of them as well as grey hairs (wisdom highlights) too. I am grateful for the fact that my body is perfectly serviceable and reasonably healthy. Some changes with age are inevitable, it’s the getting used to them that’s the tricky part.

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