My 6 not very serious Tips for Disguising a Muffin Top
It all started about 4 or 5 years ago, shortly after I hit my forties, when after three weeks of holidays I couldn’t fit into my shorts anymore and so naturally, I assumed that I was pregnant. You would excuse me for assuming that, knowing that I had, up until that moment, a history of being skinny despite also having a history of loving chocolate, as well as a history of being pregnant.
To be accurate, I have had four pregnancies and after each of them I miraculously reclaimed my pre-baby weight despite my best efforts to the contrary. I would smugly scoff chocolate biscuit cake all the while wondering what my friends were talking about when they compared post baby weight gain.
Little did I realise my muffin top was just biding its time. I was simply blessed with skinny genes, long before they came into fashion.
So, back to my holidays above, I went next-size-up shorts shopping and pregnancy test shopping on the same day. Later when in the bathroom and looking at the single stripe on the test, in my new shorts, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
I wasn’t pregnant and so I had no excuse. I was simply developing a middle-aged spread due to lack of exercise, holiday wine consumption (there I admit it), stomach muscles that have been stretched into an enormous beach ball shape four times by 10lb babies and hormonal changes to my approaching-midlife body.
Now I have something to show you, this fills me with fear and dread as I have never shown this to anyone before (apart from Athol, my husband) but here you go, the WORST selfie (so far) that I have. Please look very fast, no lingering over this image, move along now nothing to see here folks:
Ok ok, I know it’s not all that bad, some of you may be sniggering and others rolling their eyes. It’s only bad for me because I used to have it easy and I never had to give my shape a second thought. Some of you may even be saying, “Well let’s just leave it there shall we, why bother giving your shape a second thought in the first place?”
Perhaps this is simply for my own benefit, however, there may be one or two of you who may find this helpful too.
Now that my belly’s out in the open, so to speak, I’d like to share with the rest of you who are still reading my top 6 tips for disguising a muffin top in order of difficulty, the most difficult being at the top of the list:
- Have fewer pregnancies next time. As you can see this is the hardest action to reverse, I know it is possible to obtain babies without being pregnant but this can be a complicated process in and of itself. Also I love all of my children, I can’t decide whether there’s one I’d rather not have had. There are certainly moments in the day when I might question my sanity over having had one or the other of them but those moments are brief and fleeting.
- Enlarge your breasts so that they a) either extend out further than the curve of your stomach and distract the eyes from what lies beneath or b) allow them to droop low enough to conceal your stomach altogether. This can be a costly procedure, I think. I have always suffered from lack-of-breast but I have to admit they did their job very well when it came to feeding my babies (see point one above). As a result, although I’m not overly proud of their size, I am proud of what they achieved and therefore am loathe to surgically alter them in anyway.
- Do 50 sit-ups every day. I debated whether this should in fact be at point number one in terms of difficulty. You see I am ill disciplined when it comes to exercise and if it weren’t for my weekly gentle adult ballet classes or the summer rowing club, I would be a whole lot worse off. I have tried exercise programmes from home in the past but I need the encouragement of a group to keep going. Oh yes, I did three days of sit-ups but forgot all about that.
- Diet. I have to say this is one area I can be disciplined in, we did attempt the Whole30 diet for a month and I was able to adhere to this and lost 5kgs as well as my spare tyre. The problem was that the tyre didn’t stay lost, it rolled right back on as soon as I started eating cake and drinking wine again when the month was over.
- Dress appropriately to hide your muffin top! So this is where it’s at ladies, this is GENIUS!! I had no idea I was getting it all wrong by wearing low waisted pants, you’ve got to wear them high waisted so that your muffin top is cleverly held in place. Obviously, if you pull a belt beneath your tummy, it has the same effect of putting an elastic around a balloon – the shape has to spread somewhere else. In the same vein don’t wear skin tight tops and tuck them into your trousers, a loose flowing top will do the trick of covering over a multitude of sins.
- Wear a brightly coloured SCARF! This is my TOP EASY TIP. If you wear something bright and pretty, it will not only naturally draw the eye away from your less desirable sticky-out bits but if it’s long enough, it will also hang down to cover them so it has a powerful double effect.
I have to admit I love scarves, so was absolutely thrilled when Oxfam recently had a buy-one-get-one-free sale! You certainly can’t beat a good Oxfam sale now can you.
And there you have it ladies, some more fashion tips from Liberty on the Lighter Side. #fashiontipsfromanothamutha
How do you cleverly disguise those features you don’t especially love or are you less vain than me and are not particularly bothered?
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